REMEMBER, THE PRIMARY PURPOSE OF BEING CHASTENED BY THE LORD IS TO PROMOTE HUMILITY LEADING TO REPENTANCE. ACCORDING TO THE JOB’S ACCOUNT, THE LORD SETS THE LIMITS ON SATAN, LIMITING OR EXTENDING HIS POWER TO TEST US (SEE JOB; CHPT 1). OUR REACTION TO THESE EVENTS USUALLY VARIES ALONG TWO OPPOSING LINES. ONE IS GREATER HUMILITY UNTO REPENTANCE WHILE THE OTHER IS FOLLOWING THE COUNSEL OF JOB’S WIFE, “CURSE GOD AND DIE” COMMONLY DESCRIBED BY MYSELF AS THE “FUCK IT ATTITUDE” AND THEREFOR TO STOP TRYING…TO GIVE UP…TO GIVE IN…A REBELLION. GOING FROM ONE EXTREME (PERFECTIONISM) TO ITS OPPOSITE EXTREME ( REBELLION) IS COMMON IN EVERY RECOVERING PERSON I’VE KNOWN. WHEN FACED WITH THIS CONDITION, IT IS WISE TO HUMBLY SEEK A MIDDLE GROUND, SOMETHING BETWEEN THESE TWO POLAR OPPOSITES OF EXPECTING PERFECTION VERSUS REBELLION.
OUR KIND OF PERFECTIONISM: I’M INCLINED TO BELIEVE THAT MOST ALCOHOLICS REALLY WANT TO CHANGE SO MUCH THAT THEY UNWITTINGLY EXPECT THEMSELVES TO ACHIEVE THAT CHANGE TOO QUICKLY. YES, THOSE INITIAL GAINS PRODUCED A NEW HOPE IN US BUT MAINTAINING A DEMANDING RECOVERY PROGRAM ALSO REQUIRES A MUCH DEEPER HUMILITY COMBINED WITH A SPECIAL TYPE OF PATIENCE. RECOVERY IS EASY TO SAY, BUT HARD TO DO… CONSISTENTLY. STEPS #1, #2, AND #3 ARE DESTROYING OUR PRIDEFUL EGO IN ORDER TO MAKE ROOM FOR GOD AND THAT CAN BE INCREDIBLY PAINFUL FOLLOWED BY STEP #4 THRUE #9 WHICH USUALLY AWAKENS ALL THAT GUILT, SHAME AND SELF-LOATHING. TRULY, WE GROW TIRED FROM ALL THAT WORK. THIS KIND OF INPATIENT PERFECTIONISM IS ONE OF OUR EXTREMES. THE LORD’S WAY IS TO FEED US “LINE UPON LINE. PRECEPT UPON PRECEPT, HERE A LITTLE AND THERE A LITTLE” KNOWING WE CAN’T SWALLOW THE WHOLE ENCHILADA AT ONCE. MAY I SUGGEST THAT WE SETTLE DOWN FOR THE LONG HAUL AND INCLUDE MORE REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS FOR OUR SELVES.
OUR KIND OF REBELLION: THE OTHER EXTREME IS REBELLION…THE “FUCK IT ATTITUDE”. INVARIABLY, WE WANT TO ESCAPE AND GO BLIND, TO SWEEP ALL THIS HONESTY UNDER THE RUG OF DENIAL AND MEDICATE OURSELVES. AFTER ALL, THAT IS WHAT WE HAVE DONE FOR MANY YEARS. THIS CHOICE POINT IS WHERE SOME TAKE THE PATH OF ANGER AND SOME TAKE THE PATH OF SELF-PITY.
THE ANGRY ONES DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT GOD. WHATEVER FAITH THEY MAY HAVE HAD IN GOD IS TRASHED. ESSENTIALLY, THEY ARE ANGRY AT GOD BECAUSE HE DIDN’T GIVE THEM WHAT THEY WANTED WHEN THEY WANTED IT. THEY HAD FALSE HOPES THAT GOD WOULD GIVE THEM WHAT THEY EXPECTED AND WHEN HE DIDN’T, GOD WAS SEEN AS HAVING HURTFULLY BETRAYED THEM. THEY WERE ANGRY AND REBELLIOUS, NEARLY SAVAGE IN THEIR REJECTION OF GOD. YET SOME OF THESE ANGRY ONES ELECTED THE A.A. GROUP TO BE THEIR HIGHER POWER. WHY? BECAUSE SOME OF THE A.A.’S IN THE GROUP HAD LITTLE MORE RECOVERY TIME THAN HIMSELF AND COULD BE MANIPULATED AND USED. NOW THERE’S A HIGHER POWER HE CAN GET ALONG WITH, BUT TONIGHT THAT HIGHER POWER MIGHT BE JOHN AND NEXT WEEK, JUDY, AND THE FOLLOWING WEEK A GUY NAMED BOB AND THEIR VIEWS OF RECOVERY DIFFER SO HE CAN PICK AND CHOOSE AMONG THEM. THE CONSISTENCY OF A MATURE SPONSOR MAY BE THE BEST THING POSSIBLE, IF HE GETS ONE. AND IF HE DOES, HE PROBABLY WON’T LIKE IT AND MAY DO LITTLE RECOVERY WORK…REBELLION IN RECOVERY.
IT IS RATHER IMPORTANT TO SEE THAT THIS COUNSEL OF JOB’S WIFE, TO “CURSE GOD AND DIE”, CAN AND DOES PASS THROUGH OUR MIND SO QUICKLY AND SO AUTOMATICALLY THAT IT IS SUBLIMINAL AND USUALLY NOT CONSCIOUSLY REGISTERED, BUT CLEARLY FELT AND THEN ACTED-OUT. THIS OBSERVATION CANNOT BE OVER-EMPHASIZED. THE “FUCK-IT ATTITUDE” IS NOT CONSCIOUSLY RECOGNIZED, BUT IT IS FELT AND DOES LEAD TO ACTING-OUT OUR REBELLION. BY THESE AFTER EFFECTS WE CAN MORE CLEARLY SEE WHAT IS GOING ON INSIDE OURSELVES.
THIS “CURSE GOD AND DIE” IS VERY MUCH LIKE A SNOWBALL, GAINING SIZE AND ENERGY AS WE ROLL DOWNHILL WITH THIS MOOD SHIFT; A MOOD SHIFT OFTEN TRIGGERED BY AN UNUSUALLY LARGE DOSE OF PERSONAL FRUSTRATION OF ONE KIND OR ANOTHER.
OUR “GOOD INTENTIONS” OFTEN LEAD US TO PLAN TOMORROW WITH THE INTENT TO DO BETTER AND TO HOLD OUR LITTLE WORLD TOGETHER BETTER. THOSE “GOOD INTENTIONS” WERE MADE DURING A HOPEFUL MOOD STATE. BUT AS LIFE WOULD HAPPEN WE RAN INTO “UNPREDICTABLE PROBLEMS” THE VERY NEXT DAY THAT TOOK MORE TIME TO RESOLVE OR COMPLETE, MAKING LESS TIME FOR WHAT WE HAD PLANNED. UNDER THOSE CONDITIONS WE OFTEN FEEL FRUSTRATED AND OVER-WHELMED, WHICH THEN GIVES RISE TO FEELING DEFEATED. UNCONSCIOUSLY, I COMPARE MY “GOOD INTENTIONS” TO WHAT REALLY OCCURRED, THEN FEEL I HAVE FAILED. IN A SENSE, I COMPARE MY PERFECT SELF, OR MY “GOOD INTENTIONS”, WITH MY IMPERFECT SELF…A FAILURE TO FULFILL MY GOOD INTENTIONS. IN MY EXPERIENCE, THIS PATTERN OCCURS MORE OFTEN THAN NOT. MORE DAYS WITH UNPREDICTABLE PROBLEMS THAN DAYS IN WHICH I FULFILL ALL MY GOOD INTENTIONS. SOMEHOW, I NEED TO LEARN TO ACCEPT THIS REALITY. WHEN I AM AWARE OF FEELING DEFEATED, I NEED TO SAY TO MYSELF, THIS OR THAT WAS NOT A “NATIONAL CRISIS”, IT WILL GET DONE, IF NOT TODAY, THEN TOMORROW OR NEXT WEEK. I ALSO NEED TO ACCEPT THAT I CANNOT SOLVE ALL PROBLEMS ACCORDING TO MY TIME-TABLE AND THAT THESE LITTLE FAILURES ARE GOING TO BE A CONSTANT PART OF MY DAILY LIFE, SO I’D BETTER LEARN HOW TO ADJUST TO THEM.
AGAIN, THE “CURSE GOD AND DIE” ATTITUDE ( IN OTHER WORDS THE FUCK IT ATTITUDE ) IS SO QUICK AND DEEPLY CONDITIONED THAT IT MAY NOT SEEM TO BE A CONSCIENTIOUS CHOICE, BUT WE CAN DISCERN IT BY HOW WE FEEL. I OFTEN HAVE A GOOD INTENTION TODAY, BUT BY TOMORROW AFTERNOON I JUST DON’T FEEL LIKE DOING IT. COMMONLY, WE KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD DO, BUT WE JUST CAN’T SEEM TO GET THE INNER MOTIVATION TO DO IT.
12 X 12; PG 114 ” WE OFTEN DISCOVER A GREATER CHALLENGE IN THE LESSER AND MORE CONTINUOUS PROBLEMS OF LIFE. OUR ANSWER IS STILL MORE SPIRITUAL DEVELOPMENT”.
THE ABOVE FORM OF FEELING FRUSTRATED AND OVER-WHELMED, LEADING TO REBELLION AND GIVING UP, IS ONE OF THOSE EARTHLY LESSONS THAT JUSTIFIES ITSELF SO COMPLETELY IN OUR OWN MINDS.
For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father. (Book of Mormon | Mosiah 3:19)
UNFORTUNATELY, IT HAS BEEN MY EXPERIENCE THAT THE ABOVE SCRIPTURE IS NOT A ONE TIME CHOICE. MORE LIKE AN ONGOING STRUGGLE. THE DEATH OF THE NATURAL MAN IS MORE LIKE A PROCESS, NOT AN EVENT. IN OTHER WORDS, WE WILL LIKELY MEET THIS CHOICE ON THE ROAD OF LIFE MANY TIMES, MAYBE A MILLION, UNTIL WE BECOME FAMILIAR WITH IT AND LEARN HOW TO DEAL WITH IT BEST. IN THE WORDS OF EDMOND BURK, “IT WILL NOT SUFFER US TO BE SUPERFICIAL”.
WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT STEP OF THE 12 STEPS? IT IS THE STEP I AM HAVING THE MOST TROUBLE WITH TODAY.
IN RECOVERY TERMS, THE ABOVE TEXT SUGGEST THAT STEP #3, OR THE ACT OF FAITH INTO ACTION, IS STILL TO LIMITED IN MY RECOVERY. IF I KEEP DOING THE SAME OLD THING EXPECTING DIFFERENT RESULTS, I’M PROBABLY REBELLING.