PG 76; 12 X 12  ‘THE CHIEF ACTIVATOR OF OUR DEFECTS WAS BEEN SELF-CENTERED FEAR—FEAR THAT WE WOULD lose SOMETHING WE ALREADY POSSESSED OR WOULD FAIL TO GET SOMETHING WE DEMANDED”.

THIS QUOTE HAS GREAT WISDOM.  WHAT I HAVE DISCOVERED IS THAT BENEATH MY ANGER LIES FEAR.  I SEEM TO CONVERT FEAR INTO ANGER SO QUICKLY AND AUTOMATICALLY, THAT I SIMPLY DON’T SEE MY UNDERLYING FEAR.  WHEN ANGRY, BY EXAMINING MYSELF FOR THE FEAR BENEATH MY ANGER, IT’S USUALLY NOT DIFFICULT TO IDENTIFY.

WHAT WAS ALSO AMAZING TO ME WAS THAT ONCE I IDENTIFIED MY UNDERLYING FEAR AND REALLY LOOKED AT IT, HALF THE TIME MY ANGER AND FEAR SIMPLY EVAPORATED INTO THIN AIR.  THE FEAR WAS FELT TO BE MUCH BIGGER AND IMPORTANT IN MY GUTS, BUT WHEN LOOKED AT CAREFULLY WITH MY MIND, IT WAS NOT MUCH AT ALL.  I FIGURED BY LOOKING AT THESE FEARS, MY MIND MUST HAVE COME TO TERMS WITH IT SOMEHOW.  JUST LOOKING AT THE FEAR MUST HAVE INCLUDED SOME RESOLUTION OF IT.  IF NOTHING ELSE, MY MIND BROUGHT MY FEAR DOWN TO IT’S RIGHT SIZE. 

HOWEVER, THE OTHER HALF OF THE TIME WAS A REAL SPIRITUAL WRESTLING AND TOOK SOME HARD WORK OVERTIME TO RESOLVE.  ONE RELATED ITEM THAT PLAYED A HUGE ROLE IN THIS WAS COMMITTING MYSELF TO RETURN TO THE FEARFUL ( ANGER) TRIGGERING SITUATION OVER AND OVER, THEN DOING SOME RECOVERY THINKING AND/ OR WRITING IMMEDIATELY AFTERWARD.  THIS WAS CONTRARY TO MY TYPICAL SELF-ISOLATION FROM THE TRIGGERING EVENT.  TO ISOLATE FROM A FRUSTRATING SITUATION WAS MY WAY OF AVOIDING IT AND THE EMOTIONS IT TRIGGERED.  THUS, I FELT I HAD NO PROBLEM, BUT I DID.  THE UNDERLYING CHARACTER DEFECT SIMPLY WAS NOT ACTIVATED IN SELF-ISOLATION.

MANY TIMES THE STRUGGLE WAS GETTING MYSELF TO RETURN TO THE ANGER OR FRUSTRATION PRODUCING SITUATION.  MY BATTLE WAS BETWEEN LEARNING HOW TO DEAL WITH MY OWN ANGRY REACTIONS AT THE ACTUAL SCENE OF THEM; OR, TO STAY AWAY AND THEREBY AVOID THIS WORK ALTOGETHER.  I FIGURED THE BEST WAY TO GAUGE MY PROGRESS WAS TO RETURN, OVER AND OVER.  TO SELF-ISOLATE FROM THESE SITUATIONS WAS ONLY PUTTING OFF FACING LIFE ON LIFE’S TERMS, AND WOULD ONLY INCREASE MY SELF-ISOLATION AS A COPING MECHANISM.  QUITE LITERALLY, THE BATTLE WAS GETTING OUT OF MY FRONT DOOR ONE MORE TIME.  MY BATTLE WAS TO FACE THE WORK OF GROWING UP, VERSUS THE QUESTIONABLE COMFORTS OF STAYING LOCKED ALONE IN MY OWN SELF-ISOLATING WORLD.

I CAN’T TELL YOU WHEN IT IS WISDOM TO ISOLATE FROM CERTAIN SITUATIONS OR WHETHER IT IS WISDOM TO KEEP GOING BACK.  THE POINT IS TO BE AWARE OF THESE RECOVERY OPTIONS. THESE ARE TOUGH DECISIONS.

PERSONALLY, I FIND MY MOST IMPORTANT LESSONS ARE BORN OUT OF THE STRUGGLE OF GOING BACK TO WORK ON THEM.  I SHOULD ADD THAT SOME OF THOSE TIMES I WENT BACK TO FACE THE TRIGGERS THAT LED TO ANGER, TOOK ME SEVERAL YEARS TO RESOLVE.  MY EXPERIENCE IS THAT IT WON’T BE QUICK AND EASY.  I DO SUBSCRIBE TO THESE RECOVERY CONCEPTS:

PG 90  “IT IS A SPIRITUAL AXIOM THAT WHENEVER WE ARE DISTURBED, NO MATTER WHAT THE CAUSE, THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH US.”  ( 12 X 12 )

 PG 93; (12 X 12) ” THE PAINS OF FAILURE ARE CONVERTED INTO ASSETS.  OUT OF THEM WE RECEIVE THE STIMULATION WE NEED TO GO FORWARD.  SOMEONE WHO KNEW WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT ONCE REMARKED THAT PAIN WAS THE TOUCHSTONE OF ALL SPIRITUAL PROGRESS.

I REALLY CAN’T THINK OF A BETTER PLACE TO FEEL MY PROGRESS OR LACK OF PROGRESS THAN RETURNING TO THE ACTUAL PLACE THAT TRIGGERED MY DEFECTS.  THERE’S ALWAYS SOMETHING I CAN LEARN ABOUT MYSELF.  HOWEVER,  THERE MAY COME A TIME WHEN SIMPLY ACCEPTING THE TRIGGERING SITUATION AS A FACT OF LIFE, AND THAT SOME DIFFERENCES WILL REMAIN IRRECONSIABLE DIFFERENCES, MAY COME AT SOME POINT IN TIME.  IT MAY BE A CASE OF FINALLY “ACCEPTING THE ACCEPTABLE.”

THERE IS ONE OTHER FINE POINT I BELIEVE I HAVE LEARNED FROM THIS EXERCISE.  SELF-ISOLATION CAN EXISTS IN A GROUP OF OTHER PEOPLE AS WELL AS AT HOME ALONE.  THE ISOLATION WITHIN A GROUP CAN RESULTS FROM AN ABSENCE OF IDENTIFICATION WITH THE GROUP.  IT MAY RESULT FROM A LACK OF TRUST IN THE GROUP OR NOT KNOWING ANYONE PRESENT, OR LACK OF FAMILIARITY WITH IT’S UNSPOKEN NORMS. THE GROUP MAY SIMPLY PRESENT VALUES OPPOSING TO OUR OWN.  MY POINT IS THAT THERE IS MORE THAN ONE WAY TO SELF-ISOLATE.  A SIMPLE EXAMPLE: I LOVE BALLROOM DANCING, BUT IF I WERE TO ATTEND A DANCE WITH 20-YEAR-OLDS DANCING TO THEIR MUSIC, I COULD RESPECT THEIR CHOICE, BUT NOT FIT. I COULD KEEP GOING BACK TO THIS FRUSTRATING SITUATION, AND WORK ON MY REACTIONS TO IT, BUT I JUST DON’T JUDGE THAT TO BE WORTH MY TIME AND EFFORT. ONE CAN FEEL LIKE THE SQUARE PEG TRYING TO FIT INTO THE ROUND HOLE IN SOME GROUPS.  THE SERENITY PRAYER COMES TO MIND…”AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE”.  THESE ARE VERY PERSONAL AND SOMETIMES DIFFICULT DECISIONS.  AM I ISOLATING FROM THIS GROUP TO AVOID WORKING ON MY DEFECTIVE REACTIONS TO IT, OR IS IT A CASE ” ACCEPTING THE UNACCEPTABLE” AS WITH A FAMILY MEMBER WHO IS NOT READY TO CHANGE,  OR IS THIS A CASE OF  “…THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE”.

FEAR CONVERTED INTO ANGER, THEN STUFFED DOWN ANGER MIGRATES INTO SELF-ISOLATION BECAUSE WE’RE POWERLESS TO CHANGE OTHERS.

HOW DOES THIS WORK IN A MARRIAGE WHERE ONE CANNOT EASILY ISOLATE FROM A SPOUSE?